Communication Tools

The things we do that get us into trouble:

  1. Our tendency to add interpretations and judgments to what we observe.

  2. Our tendency to blame or try to make another responsible for how we are feeling.

  3. Our resistance to letting others know what we want, need or what’s really important to us.

When we are able to pause before we react and identify what’s going on beneath all the confrontational language, however, we can approach the situation with more compassion and understanding.

This approach has several benefits: It helps us get more of our own needs met, it helps us better understand and meet others’ needs, and it allows us to more fully appreciate and enjoy our relationships.

Some powerful Communication tools

  1. Voice Mirroring: When the person that you are in a disagreement with is talking - you can repeat back in your mind what they are saying as they are saying it. This technique helps you to not interrupt the other person or “check out” and not listen to them while they are talking.

  2. Active Listening: Each person gets to speak without being interrupted. When they are done speaking they say, “I am complete”. That is the cue that the other person can then begin speaking - when they are done they will then say, “I am complete.”

  3. Put it in the basket: This is a great tool for couples! If you are tired or stressed out and it's not a good time for you to “get into it”, you can say to them: “Let’s put it in the basket.” Which means I want to wait for a better time to discuss this. You can’t do this out of avoidance - it should be really used when you know you are not at your best and you would rather be in a clearer state of mind when you are going to discuss this important matter. Then your partner gets to ask: When can we take it out of the basket? You then need to give them an exact date and time in the next few days as to when you can give this matter your full attention.

  4. Commitments: Creating commitments for your family or partnership in areas that you are hung up on. These commitments can include agreements to not raise your voice when having a discussion. If someone does raise their voice the other person has the right to leave the room until the yelling person is ready to speak normally.

  5. Asking “How come?”: Exchanging the rhetorical why for how come can help open up possibilities and solutions.

  6. Communicating Compassionately: Most communication is an effort to get a core human need met. And if we train ourselves to hone in on the deeper, unspoken needs that are underlying and remove harsh language, we can respond more effectively. When we’re able to pay attention to core needs - our own and others’ - we’re motivated to act out of compassion instead of out of guilt, fear or shame. And, when we’re motivated by compassion, we don’t rely on defensive or blaming language - language that stalls and sometimes completely derails effective communication - in difficult situations. Instead, we approach others with more kindness and understanding - and, in turn, we’re more likely to be able to both give and receive what’s most needed.

    Techniques for Communicating Compassionately:

    1. Observing a situation without judgment;

    2. Discerning which emotions or feelings are being triggered in the situation; 

    3. Connecting those emotions to the underlying needs that aren’t being addressed;

    4. Making a reasonable request of the other person;

Examples of ways to expressing yourself and hearing another with empathy

  1. Expressing myself with honesty 

    1. Step 1: When I (saw, heard, etc) ……...….. (the observation) ………..….

    2. Step 2: I felt ……..... (your feelings in a simple non verbal way) …..….….

    3. Step 3: Because I was wanting …..… (your wants, needs, hopes, etc).....

    4. Step 4: And I would now like ………….. (a request, not a demand) ……..

  2. Hearing another with empathy

    1. Step 1: When you (saw, heard, etc) ……..…. (the observation) …………..

    2. Step 2: Did you feel ……… (a guess of what they might feel) ……………..

    3. Step 3: Because you were wanting...(guess their wants, needs, hopes, etc)

    4. Step 4: And would you now like ….... (guess what they might request) ……

*Use the list of “Needs” and “Feelings” to fill in the blanks.

List of Needs;

Connection

Acceptance

Affection

Appreciation

Belonging

Cooperation

Communication

Closeness

Community

Companionship

Compassion

Consideration

Consistency

Empathy

Inclusion

Intimacy

Love

Mutuality

Nurturing

Respect

Self-respect

Safety

Security

Stability

Support

To Know

To be known

To see

To be seen

To understand

Be understood

Trust

Warmth

Physical Well-Being

Air

Food

Movement/exercise

Rest/sleep

Sexual expression

Safety

Shelter

Touch

Water

Honesty 

Authenticity

Integrity

Presence

Play

Joy

Humor

Peace

Beauty

Communion

Ease

Equality

Harmony

Inspiration

Order

Autonomy

Choice

Freedom

Independence

Space

Spontaneity

Meaning

Awareness

Celebration of life

Challenge

Clarity

Competence

Consciousness

Contribution

Creativity

Discovery

Efficacy

Effectiveness

Growth

Hope

Learning

Mourning

Participation

Purpose

Self-Expression

Stimulation

To matter

Understanding

List of Feelings;

Afraid

Apprehensive

Dread

Foreboding

Frightened

Mistrusted

Panicked

Petrified

Scared

Suspicious

Terrified

Wary

Worried

Annoyed

Aggravated

Dismayed

Disgruntled

Displeased

Exasperated

Frustrated

Impatient

Irritated

Irked

Angry

Enraged

Furious

Incensed

Indignant

Irate

Livid

Outraged

Resentful

Aversion

Animosity

Appalled

Contempt

Disgusted

Dislike

Hate

Horrified

Hostile

Repulsed

Confused

Ambivalent

Baffled

Bewildered

Dazed

Hesitate

Lost

Mystified

Perplexed

Puzzled

Torn

Disconnected

Alienated

Aloof

Apathetic

Bored

Cold

Detached

Distant

Distracted

Indifferent

Numb

Removed

Uninterested

Withdrawn

Disquiet

Agitated

Alarmed

Discombobulated

Disconcerted

Disturbed

Perturbed

Rattled

Restless

Shocked

Startled

Surprised

Troubled

Turbulent

Turmoil

Uncomfortable

Uneasy

Unnerved

Unsettled

Upset

Embarrassed

Ashamed

Chagrined

Flustered

Guilty

Mortified

Self-Conscious

Fatigue

Beat

Burnt out

Depleted

Exhausted lethargic

Listless

Sleepy

Tired

Weary

Worn out

Pain

Agony

Anguished

Bereaved

Devastated

Grief

Heartbroken

Hurt

Lonely

Miserable

Regretful

Remorseful

Sad

Depressed

Dejected

Despair

Despondent

Disappointed

Discouraged

Disheartened

Forlorn

Gloomy

Heavy Hearted

Hopeless

Melancholy

Unhappy

Wretched

Tense

Anxious

Cranky

Distressed

Distraught

Edgy

Fidgety

Frazzled

Irritable

Jittery

Nervous

Overwhelmed

Restless

Stressed out

Vulnerable

Fragile

Guarded

Helpless

Insecure

Leery

Reserved

Sensitive

Shaky

Yearning

Envious

Jealous

Longing

Nostalgic

Pining

Wistful

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Appreciation Communication