Communication Tools
The things we do that get us into trouble:
Our tendency to add interpretations and judgments to what we observe.
Our tendency to blame or try to make another responsible for how we are feeling.
Our resistance to letting others know what we want, need or what’s really important to us.
When we are able to pause before we react and identify what’s going on beneath all the confrontational language, however, we can approach the situation with more compassion and understanding.
This approach has several benefits: It helps us get more of our own needs met, it helps us better understand and meet others’ needs, and it allows us to more fully appreciate and enjoy our relationships.
Some powerful Communication tools
Voice Mirroring: When the person that you are in a disagreement with is talking - you can repeat back in your mind what they are saying as they are saying it. This technique helps you to not interrupt the other person or “check out” and not listen to them while they are talking.
Active Listening: Each person gets to speak without being interrupted. When they are done speaking they say, “I am complete”. That is the cue that the other person can then begin speaking - when they are done they will then say, “I am complete.”
Put it in the basket: This is a great tool for couples! If you are tired or stressed out and it's not a good time for you to “get into it”, you can say to them: “Let’s put it in the basket.” Which means I want to wait for a better time to discuss this. You can’t do this out of avoidance - it should be really used when you know you are not at your best and you would rather be in a clearer state of mind when you are going to discuss this important matter. Then your partner gets to ask: When can we take it out of the basket? You then need to give them an exact date and time in the next few days as to when you can give this matter your full attention.
Commitments: Creating commitments for your family or partnership in areas that you are hung up on. These commitments can include agreements to not raise your voice when having a discussion. If someone does raise their voice the other person has the right to leave the room until the yelling person is ready to speak normally.
Asking “How come?”: Exchanging the rhetorical why for how come can help open up possibilities and solutions.
Communicating Compassionately: Most communication is an effort to get a core human need met. And if we train ourselves to hone in on the deeper, unspoken needs that are underlying and remove harsh language, we can respond more effectively. When we’re able to pay attention to core needs - our own and others’ - we’re motivated to act out of compassion instead of out of guilt, fear or shame. And, when we’re motivated by compassion, we don’t rely on defensive or blaming language - language that stalls and sometimes completely derails effective communication - in difficult situations. Instead, we approach others with more kindness and understanding - and, in turn, we’re more likely to be able to both give and receive what’s most needed.
Techniques for Communicating Compassionately:
Observing a situation without judgment;
Discerning which emotions or feelings are being triggered in the situation;
Connecting those emotions to the underlying needs that aren’t being addressed;
Making a reasonable request of the other person;
Examples of ways to expressing yourself and hearing another with empathy
Expressing myself with honesty
Step 1: When I (saw, heard, etc) ……...….. (the observation) ………..….
Step 2: I felt ……..... (your feelings in a simple non verbal way) …..….….
Step 3: Because I was wanting …..… (your wants, needs, hopes, etc).....
Step 4: And I would now like ………….. (a request, not a demand) ……..
Hearing another with empathy
Step 1: When you (saw, heard, etc) ……..…. (the observation) …………..
Step 2: Did you feel ……… (a guess of what they might feel) ……………..
Step 3: Because you were wanting...(guess their wants, needs, hopes, etc)
Step 4: And would you now like ….... (guess what they might request) ……
*Use the list of “Needs” and “Feelings” to fill in the blanks.
List of Needs;
Connection
Acceptance
Affection
Appreciation
Belonging
Cooperation
Communication
Closeness
Community
Companionship
Compassion
Consideration
Consistency
Empathy
Inclusion
Intimacy
Love
Mutuality
Nurturing
Respect
Self-respect
Safety
Security
Stability
Support
To Know
To be known
To see
To be seen
To understand
Be understood
Trust
Warmth
Physical Well-Being
Air
Food
Movement/exercise
Rest/sleep
Sexual expression
Safety
Shelter
Touch
Water
Honesty
Authenticity
Integrity
Presence
Play
Joy
Humor
Peace
Beauty
Communion
Ease
Equality
Harmony
Inspiration
Order
Autonomy
Choice
Freedom
Independence
Space
Spontaneity
Meaning
Awareness
Celebration of life
Challenge
Clarity
Competence
Consciousness
Contribution
Creativity
Discovery
Efficacy
Effectiveness
Growth
Hope
Learning
Mourning
Participation
Purpose
Self-Expression
Stimulation
To matter
Understanding
List of Feelings;
Afraid
Apprehensive
Dread
Foreboding
Frightened
Mistrusted
Panicked
Petrified
Scared
Suspicious
Terrified
Wary
Worried
Annoyed
Aggravated
Dismayed
Disgruntled
Displeased
Exasperated
Frustrated
Impatient
Irritated
Irked
Angry
Enraged
Furious
Incensed
Indignant
Irate
Livid
Outraged
Resentful
Aversion
Animosity
Appalled
Contempt
Disgusted
Dislike
Hate
Horrified
Hostile
Repulsed
Confused
Ambivalent
Baffled
Bewildered
Dazed
Hesitate
Lost
Mystified
Perplexed
Puzzled
Torn
Disconnected
Alienated
Aloof
Apathetic
Bored
Cold
Detached
Distant
Distracted
Indifferent
Numb
Removed
Uninterested
Withdrawn
Disquiet
Agitated
Alarmed
Discombobulated
Disconcerted
Disturbed
Perturbed
Rattled
Restless
Shocked
Startled
Surprised
Troubled
Turbulent
Turmoil
Uncomfortable
Uneasy
Unnerved
Unsettled
Upset
Embarrassed
Ashamed
Chagrined
Flustered
Guilty
Mortified
Self-Conscious
Fatigue
Beat
Burnt out
Depleted
Exhausted lethargic
Listless
Sleepy
Tired
Weary
Worn out
Pain
Agony
Anguished
Bereaved
Devastated
Grief
Heartbroken
Hurt
Lonely
Miserable
Regretful
Remorseful
Sad
Depressed
Dejected
Despair
Despondent
Disappointed
Discouraged
Disheartened
Forlorn
Gloomy
Heavy Hearted
Hopeless
Melancholy
Unhappy
Wretched
Tense
Anxious
Cranky
Distressed
Distraught
Edgy
Fidgety
Frazzled
Irritable
Jittery
Nervous
Overwhelmed
Restless
Stressed out
Vulnerable
Fragile
Guarded
Helpless
Insecure
Leery
Reserved
Sensitive
Shaky
Yearning
Envious
Jealous
Longing
Nostalgic
Pining
Wistful