Appreciation Communication
Appreciation communication is a type of communication that creates connection in relationships, that they may feel supportive and energizing instead of unsupportive and depleting.
When two people are experiencing conflict, they’re suffering from a loss of connection.
All loss of connection in relationships stems from poor communication.
We humans tend to delete, distort, or generalize details of the conversation happening in our own heads, but we still expect others to get us.
The root cause of conflict in communication frequently isn’t what IS said, it’s often what ISN’T being said.
Improving your communication in your relationships can help you:
Avoid negative misunderstandings.
Determine what your partner is really saying.
Avoid arguments more easily.
Be willing to give each other “space” instead of pressuring to resolve right away.
Increase trust.
Build emotional closeness and intimacy.
Two Types of Communication; Closed Heart Communication & Appreciative Communication
Closed Heart Communication poisons relationships
Criticism - When one person implies that there is something wrong with the other person. The other person will most likely feel attacked and respond defensively.
Defensiveness - When the person responding to a perceived criticism counter attacks with another criticism or plays the innocent victim.
Contempt - When one person puts themselves on a superior moral high ground or holds the other with disgust.
Stonewalling - When one person withdraws from the conversation either physically or energetically.
Appreciative Communication comes from a lens of appreciation for the other person’s MAP
“The MAP”
Someone’s MAP is how they see the world and why they see it that way.
Approaching someone knowing that they have a completely different MAP than you do, believing that their MAP is valid, and becoming curious about their MAP.
This requires a willingness to temporarily set aside your own assertion that you are right and the other person is wrong or misguided.
Listening with a willingness to consider that the other person has a point of view, or unmet need, or desire that’s right and good, even if it is contributing to a feeling of friction or conflict.
Clarifying Questions
Example What? Questions
“It is uncomfortable.”
Follow up clarifying question: “What specifically is uncomfortable?”
“I have to take care of everyone else first.”
Follow up clarifying question: “What would happen if you didn’t?”
“I can’t tell him the truth.”
Follow up clarifying question: “What might happen if you did?”
Example When? Questions
“I always feel underappreciated.”
Follow up clarifying question: “When specifically, do you experience that feeling?”
“I am so anxious”
Follow up clarifying question: “How do you know when to feel anxious?”
“My partner makes me sad all the time.”
Follow up clarifying question: “When was the last time you didn’t feel sad because of your partner?”
Example How? Questions
“He rejected me.”
Follow up clarifying question: “How specifically did he reject you?”
“Everyone thinks I take up too much of their time with my problems”
Follow up clarifying question:
“How do you know everyone thinks that about you? Do you have a specific example?”
“My sister didn’t call me back for three days, obviously I’m not very important to her.”
Follow up clarifying question:
“How do you know that her not calling you back means you are not important to her?”
“We just aren’t communicating like we should.”
Follow up clarifying question: “How would you like to be communicating?”
Example Who? Questions
“I’m bad at _______.”
Follow up clarifying question: “You’re bad at _______. According to whom?”
“They are just a better person.”
Follow up clarifying question: “Better than whom?”
“Everyone is against me.”
Follow up clarifying question: “Who specifically is against you?”
Statements that Empathiz
Helps another person feel heard and understood
“That makes sense”
“Anyone would feel that way”
“I’m sorry that happened to you”
Five Step Formula for Appreciative Communication:
Remember that your partner has a unique and valid map.
Use Active Listening to give your partner space to “be”.
Elicit experience using the Clarifying questions to understand specifically what your partner is sharing, asking for, needing, or valuing.
Use Verbal Backtracking to make sure you’re clear about what your partner is communicating.
Empathize with what your partner is experiencing.
“The number one problem, though I prefer the word challenge, in marriage is indeed effective communication.” Laura Young (Psychotherapist)
“Relationship problems revolve around lack of healthy, assertive communication; communication that is open, direct, respectful, honest, and personal.”
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT (Toxic Relationships)
“Many studies have identified poor communication as one of the top reasons for couples therapy, as well as one of the top reasons for divorce.” - Psychology Today